Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
