First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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