In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
