I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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