I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
