Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
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I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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