Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
it's not cheating when I paid for it
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
