The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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