we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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