i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
