Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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