I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
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so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
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And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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