Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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