dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
