ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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