My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
