Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Terrible idea I love it
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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