Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
