u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
