Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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