the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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