my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
