There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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