Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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