I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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