i already hear my dad disowning me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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