Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
