Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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