i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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