Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
