I checked into jail on foursquare
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
