I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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