seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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