why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
