make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
