The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
