You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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