The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
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At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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