Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Life is so much better after having sex.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
