I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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