Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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