Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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