He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
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I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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