I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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