i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
