She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Randomize
