based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
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my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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