If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
