she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
