I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
