She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
