My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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