mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
