I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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