if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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