No stitches, just platelets and will power
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
