I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
