I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
