Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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