you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
